Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
