Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
