Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
