i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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