I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
