Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
