O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
