The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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