Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
