guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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