I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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