I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
