So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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