There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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