I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
