I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
