So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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