Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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