dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
