and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You can't just leave with hair like that
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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