I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
