i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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