I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
