My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
