I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
