i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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