never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
