the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
