The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You may now shotgun with the bride
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
