Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
