I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
