threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
