Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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