so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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