I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
