theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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