Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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