If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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