every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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