There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
