end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
