Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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