Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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