I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
