so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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