Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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