I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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