Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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