do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
