What did we do last night that was yellow?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I love you. Go after that dick
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
