this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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